Just to know this feeling
by jannikajade
Summary: When you want something you can't have, it consumes you. It's all you can think about, and its starts to slowly drive you crazy. Angsty, very, very angsty. warning: strongly implied sexual situations. Dasey.
1. Hatred

**Author's Note: **Alerts are back :-) That makes me a happy girl. I'm still toying with the idea of making _A Happy New Year_ a two-shot, hopefully i'll get proper inspiration.I wanted to write something a little darker, a little angstier, so here it is. This one also has the potenial to have more chapters, but I don't know yet. I've always kind of liked one-shots. Anyway I hope you guys like this. (Warning-strongly implied sexual situations.)

**Disclaimer:** Not even close to being mine.

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Casey hated them. Every girl that had ever giggled his name, every girl that had spent the night in his bedroom, every girl in Derek's long line of bimbos. She hated the way they wore clothes that made her 'babe raider' inspired outfit look tame. She hated the way they looked at him, running their eyes along his biceps and torso. She hated how they all had cutesy sounding names and tired to give Derek little pet names.

Most of all, she hated them on those late nights, when she could hear them moan his name. The sound would travel through the wall, and even if it was just a soft whimper Casey would hear echoing, resounding, and it would torture her. She would be unable to stop herself from imagining what it would be like to be that girl, in that moment. She could close her eyes, and it would be so real that for a second she'd forget that Derek wasn't really touching her, looking at her like she was beautiful; but then that second ended and Casey would come crashing down.

Sometimes in the morning, after she heard them leave, slutty heels clacking despite their attempts to sneak, she would be tempted to go into his room. She wanted to open the door slowly, and creep into his bed waking him up by kissing the top of his head. In her fantasy, he would know, the second he opened his eyes, that she wanted him, and without saying a word, they'd embrace, and shed clothes, and it would be perfect. From that point on, when ever she heard his name moaned, it would be coming from her own lips.

She never did it though. She never opened his door or kissed his head, or told him how she felt. Casey wasn't that kind of girl, and that, made her hate all those bimbos even more. For one night they got to have everything she wanted. Casey hated them.

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Derek hated them. Every guy that wrote her notes, every guy that held her hand walking down the halls, every guy in Casey's line of studios, polite boyfriends. He hated their sweater vests and khaki pants. He hated the way they opened doors for her, and always called when they said they would. He hated the way they all called her, 'Case', and were home by curfew.

Most of all, he hated them on those mornings, when he'd see them in the halls, and they'd nod at their friends, and smirk, and he'd know, just know, that it had happened. In those moments, he would picture those horrible guys taking her clothes off, running their hands down her sides and legs, and it would eat him away inside. They pretended to be the nice guys, when really they wanted what all guys wanted, and Derek wanted to kill them for taking it from Casey. His Casey.

Sometimes after seeing the head nod, he'd close his eyes, lean against a wall, and think about what it would be like. He would take her, and show her what a real man could do; he would make her forget all their names. Afterwards, after their long and passionate tryst, she would look at him, and she would know that no one but her meant a thing to him, and he would hold her, and it would be prefect. After that moment, the only one touching her beautiful skin would be him.

He never did it though. He never took her, slammed her down and made everything that was between them real. Derek was afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of how letting her know would change his life forever and afraid that she actually did like that kind of guy. Derek hated them.

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Different, I know. Hope you guys liked it. :-) 


	2. Anger

**Author's Note:** It seems alerts are only sort of back. Better than nothing i guess. Sigh. Anyway, I decided to write more of this story. This entire chapter is in Derek's PoV(i've decided i really like writing Derek.) There will be one more after this, in Casey's. Once again, their is angst, and sexual situations. Strong ones. In fact, this chapter is about as close to writing sex as a I get. I almost upped it to "M" but its not graphic, just implied, so I let it stay at "T." I've always wondered about Abby, and why she doesn't have custody of the kids, being a woman, and since Marti is so young and a girl, I mean they almost always give women custody. Also why does Marti go visit her when everyone else like, goes to see Derek play hockey? Doesn't she want to see? Actually do we have canon that Derek is her son? I mean I know she is Marti's mom, but that doesn't automatically make her Derek and Edwin's mom. Ok i'm rambling now. The point was, i sort of address Abby not having custody in the first paragraph. Just a possibility. Hope you guys like it.

Thanks for the great reviews to the first chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Life with Derek. Saddly.

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He was angry all the time. This wasn't just flashes of annoyance, or rages that came and went in an instant, this was a real and constant anger, the kind of anger he'd been too apathetic to have before she entered his life. She changed everything. He'd spent years perfecting his attitude, his nonchalance, it was all very practiced, and a response to a childhood that had taught him caring too much was a sign of weakness. His mom was always sad, or angry, or jubilant, never steady. One day after school she'd be weeping, and the next she'd have baked them all a cake and redecorated the entire house. Derek had decided long ago it was better to be emotionless than to be that way, better apathy that mood swings so severe they took the whole household along.

Now his apathy was fading. He wanted her. It was impossible, but he couldn't stop himself. It made him so angry : angry at himself for falling for her, angry at her for simply being Casey, angry at his father for marrying Nora, angry at every girl he dated for not being her, angry at the world. So he did things to try and drown out his anger. More girls, more now than ever before, quantity over quality. More parties, more alcohol, more experimenting with things he knew he shouldn't. More doing things he was too smart for, all in an attempt to just stop caring, to stop feeling so angry.

He knew though. He knew that there was only one way to stop his anger. He knew it would eat away at him until he acted on his feelings. He could never decide which way was more self-destructive, the anger, the girls and the substances, or telling her, taking her, consequences be dammed. Either way, Casey Macdonald was going to be his undoing.

Then there came the day he snapped. The night really, he was walking down their street, coming home, smelling of cheap bear and cheap perfume, when he saw her. She was walking down the street, arms wrapped around her chest, looking lost and scared. When she turned her head and saw him, she locked her sad blue eyes on his, and something inside him broke a little. He crossed the street to her, and before he could stop himself, his arms were wrapped around her, and she was crying on his shoulder.

It was wrong, how good it felt. He tried not to notice the way she fit perfectly against his chest. He tried not to notice how good her hair smelled, or how warm her little hands felt on the back of his neck. Even her tears falling onto his shirt felt right. She was shuddering with her sobs, and even in that moment, he thought how he'd like to make her shudder for other reasons. Finally she calmed a little, and picked her head up.

"What's wrong?" He asked. She shook her head, eyes shining with tears and said,

"It happened again. I'm an idiot," His stomach lurched. He knew she was talking about her latest boyfriend and he didn't think he could handle hearing it. She shifted a little, though neither of them moved out of their embrace, and as she did, Derek noticed the familiar sent of alcohol on her breath. Drinking away problems- He knew all about that.

"I date the same guy, the same type of guy over and over, and expect it to be different," she continued, "and then this happens. They break-up with me suddenly, out of nowhere. I didn't even like Kyle that much; I just don't know what's wrong with me that this happens over and over again." She said, and that time, when she brought her eyes up to his, he lost it.

He cracked inside, and his anger won. He leaned down and kissed her fiercely. She responded instantly. Before long they were smashed so close together they had become like one unit. Their hands were all over each other, in hair and down backs, over stomachs, and around waists. Their mouths opened, and their tongues tasted each other for the first time.

Then he was carrying her down the street, needing to get her to a more private spot, but unwilling to break any contact with her. He went in the garage, his secret late night entrance, and up the stairs, lips never leaving hers. In the upstairs hallway, he put her down and slammed her against a wall, running kisses down her neck.

"My room?" he asked, his eyes meeting hers. She nodded, and he thrilled at the lust in her eyes. Leading her to his room, he shut the door, and pushed her down onto the bed, as he'd wanted to for so long. They kissed and kissed, and their hands removed each other's clothes quickly. His hands roamed the spots he'd dreamed about for years, and he found them even softer and more beautiful than he'd imagined. Every inch of her skin, every murmur and whimper that left her lips sent a jolt of pleasure through him. He wanted this night to go on forever.

His anger melted inside her, emotions he knew he could never put into words coursed through him. Watching her beneath him, hearing her moan his name, feeling her soft, sweaty skin; he was certain he'd never be this happy again, certain this was the best night he had ever, or would ever have. Then it got better.

When they were done, when they'd collapsed, and she her head was on his chest and his hand was stroking her pretty hair, she whispered,

"So long," His hand stopped.

"What?" he asked,

"I've wanted that for so long." she said still whispering, her hand making lazy circles on his stomach.

"Me too." he said, grinning. Then they drifted off to sleep, the best sleep Derek had gotten in years.

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Hope you liked that one. A Casey chapter to finish it is coming soon. 


	3. Fear

**Author's Note: **So many good fics where updated this weekend. It was like Dasey fic Christmas. :-) I can't believe we've grown to over 600. Our little fandom is getting so big. Anyway- it took me awhile to figure out how I wanted this to end. I wasn't sure what do with them in the aftermath- but hopefully this works out. I like Derek's PoV better in this fic it was just easier to write for some reason. Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, it warms my heart.

Oh- beware profanity F---, profanity in this chapter. Just once. So you're warned. And more sexual situations. And more angst.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Life with Derek, or the Something Corporate lyrics used below.(do you think if I mention how'd I'd like to have Micheal Seater enough times in disclaimers it will happen?)

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_

_"And it's been hours now  
To be here like this  
And just to lay you down  
And just to taste your lips  
And just to keep me up  
God I'm tired of sleeping  
And just to lay inside you  
And just to know this feeling  
I wanna feel through you tonight  
But I won't make you  
I won't make you  
Scream my name just one more time"_

Something Corporate

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She was afraid. Laying in Derek's bed, early the next morning, starting at the ceiling, she was scared. She was overcome with self-doubt and she was dreading the moment he woke up. She was afraid he'd look at her, and she'd be able to see disgust in his eyes. She was worried that one time had been all she'd get, and that she'd spend the rest of her life replaying that night in her mind. She was afraid everything would return to normal, only now it would hurt even more.

She didn't trust the look in his eyes last night, or the words he whispered as they drifted to sleep. She knew better than to put faith in those things. Even before she'd been old enough to know for herself, she'd learned that lesson. Her mother would be crying at the kitchen table over some man, some nobody between Casey's father and George. She would look at Casey and say,

"Never trust what men say Casey, watch what they do," and little eleven-year-old Casey would nod, although she didn't really understand it then. These days, she knew exactly what had made her mother cry all those years ago, and it scared her. She knew how some men would say anything to get what they wanted, and how once they got it, they could turn away. Casey also knew that if Derek turned away, it would kill her. She'd be shattered.

The night before, when he'd kissed her, when she'd finally learned what it was like to be with him, she'd been blissful. It had been better than she ever imagined, and she was afraid she'd never be able to live with out it again. She' d never be able to go back to the "anti-Derek" types she'd been seeing for years now, since she broke up with Sam. Those guys that brought flowers and opened doors and bored her to tears. Guys she dated in an effort to curb her Derek obsession. It had failed, failed miserably, and now she was afraid. Petrified, she'd been one more notch in Derek's considerable bed post, or worse, that the party he'd been at had left him with severe beer goggles, that what was everything to her, was nothing to him.

He stirred next to her in bed, blinking his eyes and stretching his arms.

"Good morning," he said lazily, grinning.

"Hi," she whispered softly, bracing herself for whatever was to come, half expecting him to taunt her.

"Well its official now," He said, reaching over to play with her hair, "We are the most fucked up family in all of Canada." She laughed nervously, and he continued, "I mean, not only did I just sleep with my step-sister, but I have every intention of continuing to do so, on a regular basis, if at all possible." He looked at her questioningly.

"I think we could work something out," she said, leaning over to kiss him. Relief flooded through her as he kissed her back.

Maybe it wasn't a declaration of undying love, maybe it wasn't romantic, but it was all Casey needed to hear. He was saying it all in his own way, letting her know he didn't regret it, his eyes saying he'd meant what he said last night, about wanting it for a long time, and her fear faded.

Their kiss deepened, and soon they were once again covered in sweat and sweat and panting. She savored the way his skin felt against her palms, and shivered at the way his hands made her feel. She drank in the moment, loving his taste and his feel, relishing the hungry, lustful look in his eyes.

She knew even as she gasped and writhed and moaned, how very wrong it was. She knew, as she lost all sense of anything but the moment, anything but her and Derek, that this morning, even more than the night before, would change everything. She didn't care, as they lay next to each other, on top of each other, breathing heavily, it was so right, so very perfect.

"My Casey," he said, running his thumb down the side of her face, looking possessive and protective. When they eventually left his bed, when they joined the rest of the family in a mercifully late Sunday brunch, when they spent the afternoon pretending everything was the same, she kept those two words on replay in her mind. She was his, and that night, when dinner had ended, and the rest of the house was asleep, he crept into her room, and she whispered,

"My Derek," and he ginned and said,

"Always Casey," and then joined her in bed. They belonged to each other, and Casey, knowing that, was no longer afraid.

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**The End**

Yeah. I gave them a happy, sappy, fluffy ending. I didnt' want to at first- but I gave in in the end.

Hope you guys liked it.


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